you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
