highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
vagina is talking i cant
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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