best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
