I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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