my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just had sex on a roof
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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