turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
