If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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