theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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