Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
