Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
