I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
