you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
