I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
