It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize