Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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