Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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