I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize