College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
