Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
