it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
