I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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