you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
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