Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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