i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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