mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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