my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
