I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
