i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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