Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Don't make out with my wife yet
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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