did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
