how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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