you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
