it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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