He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
