my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
