She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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