I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
