Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
