I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
