I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
