There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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