Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
