i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
