my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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