tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize