i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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