Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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