now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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