I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize