I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
