This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
