Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
