Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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