Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
