Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Everclear isn't food dammit
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
