I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
