i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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