good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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