I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize