Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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