I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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