I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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