Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
