This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize