So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize