He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
