you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
