I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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