thus making me awesome and them whores
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
