it's too hot outside to masturbate.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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