No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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